2020. 22.

2020. And I am turning 22 this year.
22 means a lot to me. It’s my lucky number.
It’s my birth date. When I got the number 22, I usually win the competition.
Hence, I really want to make this year meaningful. My 22 meaningful.
Moreover, it only happens once a lifetime.
ONCE.

 It’s already Febuary. And I still have not achieved much.
I just finished reading Daphne blog. Her blog is legit.
One sentence that she said relates so much to me.
I lost my drive and only do things that I needed to do.
Only get the my responsibilities done.
And that’s it. Nothing more than that.
I am basically working on autopilot.
I want to achieve more. I really want to.
But then there are too much going on and I need to really prioritize my well-being,
Regardless of mental or physical.

 I stop using Dayre after it turned into a subscription app.
I miss those days that I will do some self-reflection on Dayre.
I feel that I am slowly losing track of my life.
I do not remember what I have tried, done and accomplished.
 Then suddenly I remember I still have this blog.
And I found out I actually have a lot of drafts not published.
And I deleted some of them.
Keep only things that I feel that it is worth hogging my limited brain space.

  I have live two decades of my life.
How should I live a life and not surviving a life..?
 Wishing for the best 2020.
22.

Losing Dayre | Thanksgiving Night

This is my second month surviving without Dayre and omggg I miss it so muchhh!! It's like a safe space for me but I can no longer afford that space anymore 😭 

I stopped blogging ages ago after I found Dayre but I am back. It's kind of like a circle and in the end you still return to where you begin. 

I feel that I am losing track of my life for these two months. Many things happened but without Dayre I have no where to pen down and so here I am back in Blogger.

_______________________________________

I never celebrated Thanksgiving but this year I am going to celebrate with Enactus peeps!! 

Supposed to crop it to make it nicer but it's fine 😂😂😂 

    DINNERRRRR 🌈🌈🌈

FIRST YEAR

I have not been in this space for more than a year. Thanks to Dayre for providing a super 'instant' platform for me to record everything there.

I still could not believe I am technically done with my first year of degree (not officially done yet because results are still pending).  Time flies after you stepped into college. That's what mum said, and it's so true. I honestly feel like it was yesterday when I move into my hostel, but I vacant my room two days ago.

A summary about what my first year is all about:

1. Friends

They are my partners in crime throughout the year. Thank you so much for walking into my life.  I am still grateful for them even when there are occasions which we could not see eye to eye. 

Semester 1 (I am too lazy to edit the tilted pic)
Min Lin, Nicole, Shernie, Suzanne,Me,Jia Jing, Mindy

Semester 2

2. NDC

I will never be in a dance club if it is not because of Hew Cheng. Yes, I joined it because of her (the major reason). It turned out to be really worth it because I learnt a lot, in fact, I learnt the most in the dance club. From the bonding event to SAWG7, the journey was never easy. Nonetheless, I am pleased to meet a bunch of really great people.

SWAG:7

Bonding Event 2018

                             

With Covenant Dance Crew

3. Enactus

I spent a lot of my time in Enactus as well. Working with a good leader makes everything so much easier. I never thought I can work with plants but surprisingly I did it.  Most of the time it is about who you work with rather than what your work is. 

AGM 2019

With my team

It was indeed a tiring but fun year. There are people leaving temporary but at the same time, there are people walking in. I learnt a lot but at the same time lose something. I am trying my best to make my first-year count.

IT HAS BEEN TWO MONTHS

How are you, grandma..? It has been almost 2 months since you left. 

We all miss you a lot. 

" Those we love and lose are always connected by heartstrings into infinity." ---- Teri Guillemets

No matter how prepared you are, losing people you care still affects you.

[ Day to day update on Dayre ] 

   

I just hope she is doing well in somewhere better. I wish for no more. 

TURNING 19TEEN

As you can see from the title, this will be all about the post birthday celebration.

It sounds super scary (at least to me) that this will be my last "teen" birthday. I can't really believe it, I am so reluctant to grow up.

Sugar On Top @ Nagore (SOT)
 George Town, 21, Jalan Bawasah, George Town, 10050 George Town, Pulau Pinang, Malaysia

  

The real meaning of the word CELEBRATION can never be defined in a dictionary. It can only be understood and experienced. A big thank you for giving me such a good time and another memorable day. 

I still have a long road ahead of me, in which I hope to learn more and continuously develop myself as a better person.

WHY HER..?

I hate to visit hospitals.

I hate it more if I need to visit people in the hospital.

Cancer is getting more and more common and the chances of getting it are increasing as well.

My aunt got cancer a few years back.

Luckily she survived.

I thought I would never need to hear “ xx have cancer” anymore but I was wrong. So wrong.

I spent most of my time these days in Loh Guan Lye Hospital these few days.

I never ever thought it would be her this time.

Grandma.

Grandma is one of the nicest people I have ever met.

The most important part – She loves me a lot.

When I was young, she traveled back and forth from Penang to Ipoh weekly without complaining.

I am really happy when she arrived and cried badly when she left.

She has so much patience and I could not remember a single time she got angry.

I love staying with my grandparents so much I stayed in Penang every single school holidays.

From a child who still needs my parents to send me till I could travel alone.

Grandpa passed away when I was 16.

I even chose to study here in Penang rather than KL when I was given the choice.

I want to stay with grandma.

I am supposed to take care of the elderly but it ended up the opposite way.

I wonder if I am actually a burden to her.

She gives me plenty of pocket money because of she afraid if I do not have enough money for lunch.

She cooks for me even if she is tired.

She keeps reminding me to take my supplements.

I do not know how to put my words but she is just that angelic.

Why her..?

Recently, she loses her appetite.

She often feels bloated after her meal.

She dozes off while watching her favorite drama.

Two days ago, she said that she had black stools. We brought her to visit a doctor at a clinic nearby.

Unfortunately, she did not get any better and felt nauseous.

She hates to go to hospital usually but she willingly said okay when we suggested to bring her to the hospital.

She must have felt really sick.

Dad and mom rushed down from Ipoh.

They wanted to travel to Malacca at first.

When they reached, the first thing Grandma asked is “ have you guys eaten..?”

We never though things will be this serious.

We thought it would only be the stomach ulcer. Or maybe only I do.

The next day when the endoscopy result was out, I was shocked.

Why her..?

I could not believe my ears.

I feel sad like a lot of sadness.

You do not want to but acceptance is the only way out.

Mom decided to hide this news from grandma.

Grandma worries a lot. She worries about almost everything.

She worried about who is going to cook for me next week as I have my last 2 AS papers.

We wanted to let have a single room but she chose the cheapest one.

She worries about everyone accept herself. 

When I was alone with mom, she said that surprisingly I could face it.
Honestly, I wanted to cry. I want to cry so badly.
But this is not the time to cry. 
It does not help and no point making others sadder than they already are.

We are still waiting for a detail report about the stage of cancer.

We could not do much at the mean time.

There ain't a way for me to describe the helplessness.

I can only pray hard, hoping that she will need to face the least pain.

I wish and wish she can cure and attend my future graduation.

I wish and wish she will win the battle against this disease.

THERE'S NO PLANET B

I could not really remember when was the last time I was an organizing committee.

 Maybe the last time was during high school.

That's 2 years ago. 

Time flies.

We have this fund-raising event for 2 consecutive days in conjunction with Earth Hour 2017.

We decided to reuse the aluminum cans, glass bottles and drink cartons as 'pots' for the money plant and sell them.

Personally, I think it is not that bad, but you cannot expect to get fancy and flawless pots out of recyclable items right..? 

When I was preparing the proposal, the main aim is to create environmental awareness among the college community. 

During the event, I think almost all of us forgot about this fact. We focus solely on selling our handmade products. 

Money matters after all (which is a sad fact).

There is this trend I realized during the whole event. 

People can be really generous in donating but they refused to take a plant home.

Maybe they do not want to take care of the plant.

Maybe they think they were ugly.

Maybe they think they were trash.

Let's think on the bright side.

At least they did not take the plants and threw them in the rubbish bin.

I thought people nowadays love pets and I thought they will love plants as well. 

Maybe I was wrong all this while.

I just want to thank our advisors for giving us full support even when things were done last minute.

Next will be all the committees who put in effort in making the whole event a success.

Also Ms. Gan from the Student Service Department for being so nice and helpful and our Centre of Pre-U Studies admin for her support.

Last but not least those who donated during the event.

I am so used to work with only people from my high school so I actually had 'culture shock' this time.

But it's okay we are all in the process of learning.

This is my first time doing promoting work.

I had a lot of fun but I do not think I like being a promoter.

I need so much courage to talk to random people; some are nice, some are not. 

Even you are exhausted you still need to wear that smile especially people like me who have RBF.

This is my baby (:

Back to my normal life with endless studies.

LOSING A FREINDSHIP

Every time when people start telling me about their friendship problems, I feel so depress deep down.

Having a friend is supposed to be a blessing not a curse.

Having a friend is supposed to ease your life not making it harder.

I do not really know how to give good advice as I have not encounter any serious problem in a friendship.

I have a really good bunch of friends throughout my high school, supporting me through thick and thin.

Maybe I am too lucky that I was surrounded by amazing friends and I neglected my responsibilities. I did not really play my role well as a friend. Did I..?

I came to a new environment this June and have some new friends.

I thought I will be lucky again and I do.

I do meet great people.

But somehow...

I used to be really close with this girl.

We spent most of our time together in the college.

Everyone thought we have known each other for ages because we seems super close.

I treated her as my number one friend in college.

I knew she is secretive so I gave her spaces and do not talk much about her personal life.

She did not tell me much about her life either.

We usually talk about recent stuff and hardly about the past.

Here comes the plot twist.

She was missing from college for the whole week and I tried to contact her via social medias but to no avail.

Lecturers and course mates keep asking me about her action.

Each time I answered I do not know, I feel that my heart was slash by a knife again and again.

I know people will start to judge.

We thought you are her best friend..? How come you do not know where she is..?

What more can I say..?

I waited for her reply for the whole week and she just refused to reply.

I am sorry bothered you with our friendship.

After a week she appeared in college and sat at the back of the class.

Not a single word came out from her mouth.

And she left after half an hour.

And never appear till today.

Some of my course mates claimed that they saw her in college but she never attend any lecture.

She even ignored them who actually approached her.

What is she actually going through that make her change to a total different person.

This is worrying me so much.

That feeling when someone you used to be friend with turns into a total stranger.

That helplessness when you really hope to lend a hand but people just do not appreciate.

I wonder if she has any problem as she is acting really weird.

I have tried ways to reach out to her I do not want to seems clingy or annoying.

When you are sincere as a friend but people treat you like a trash.

But anyway I really thank you for being by my side when I need to get used to a new environment.

Maybe I am just so fail as a friend.

On the other hand, I actually start to see the true colour of certain people.

They acted as if they really care but I know they are just trying to dig some juicy gossips.

This make me feel so disgust.

Even though you guys only know each other for 4 months have some respect to others.

Care sincerely and not just because you want to show off that you are super 'informative'.

Stop being so busybody and mind your own business if you really do not give a fuck about people shine or rain.

Am I the one who take friendship too seriously..?

This is so tiring.

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CAMARDES DE CLASSE'16

I really do not know that saying goodbye can be this hard.

I know I am beyond lucky to get to know this bunch of people who makes me feel so hard to say goodbye.

They are like the best thing that happened to me in life.

I never knew that going to school can be so much fun and filled with laughter.

From Day 1, I start to have the doubt if I should really leave.

It's fate that made us classmates but I decided to go against faith.

I am the one who chose to stepped out comfort zone.

They are brilliant people who lit up my sixth form life.

I again wonder if I should stay.

How hard it is to get amazing classmates and looking forward to school everyday..?

They gave me a different perspective of school.

They make me see things so differently.

They taught me friendship cannot be measured by time.

Just one month but they make me love school more than ever.

First time watching horror movie in cinema, first time play bowling and first time hanging out till 11. 

All done with them within a month.

I am out of words to thank them.

Thanks for making leaving so hard for me.

Thanks for letting me know that I am not alone.

Time is ticking away and how much I wish I hadn't make the decision to leave.

But I do.

No matter how tough my future path will be you guys will always be in my mind.

Thanks for having me for a month L6B1'16.

Hope to see you guys again soon.

“True friends don’t say good-bye, they just take extended leaves of absences from each other.”

10 THINGS HIGH SCHOOL TAUGHT ME

I used to wish to graduate and get out of high school as soon as possible. Now I look back and I realize that I have left high school for 5 months. Being in the class of 15’ is stressed yet fun. I would conclude that high school is one the important stage in your life. You like it or not, you should to make it a memorable one.

Besides solving the endless mathematics questions and memorizing plenty of scientific terms, there are plenty of fresh experiences you will definitely gain. As for me, these are what I gained throughout the two years.

If you obey all the rules, you’re going to miss all the fun.

I am not encouraging people to break the rules (although rules are meant to be broken) but it is a necessary to challenge certain rules to make life a fun one. It is okay to eat in class, challenge the dress code or maybe skip some lessons but it is not okay to get involved with bullying or be rude to the teacher. Know the limits and do not go too much beyond the boundaries so you won’t end up in the discipline room most of the days. 

Love Yourself.

Love yourself because if you do not love yourself to the fullest who is going to do so? I do not really care about myself and neglect about my health which make me a ‘huge fan’ of the hospital. I ended up being hospitalized in my senior year. I was referred to a few doctors as I was having a chronic gastric ulcer which is consider quite serious for my age. I was warned that if I continue all my bad habits sooner or later I will be one of the stomach cancer patients. So love and care about yourself and treasured your health.

Do not wait.

Always keep in mind that you have only one life.  Take the risk and do things you like to do. It is good to think twice before doing something but do not hesitate too long. Grab the guts and daringly make your life an adventurous one. Do not always think that there are still senior year, sometimes it is now or never. Make yourself proud for once. Make changes and not wait for opportunities to arrive.

Talk to people from all walks of life.

After senior year, you need to decide on many things so it is really important for you to spend some time to interact with people. Do not be shy and stop being an introvert. Seek for advice from the teachers especially the school counselors as well as your seniors who have went through the path. I love to talk and listen to different people as I really like to know wide range of people and also get expose to different world. This will help you a lot in making the best decision and can prevent you from being loss.

Friends are vital.

I am so lucky to know this group of friends which we actually stick together since middle school. I wonder will I still survived high school so smoothly without them and I am sure the answer is NO. They are the ones who gave endless supports to me in various aspects and tolerated me throughout the years. Without them being so understanding and helpful, I won’t be able to sail through the years so easily. I am beyond grateful to know them as they are the one who guide me to a brighter path and let me stay away from the darkness. You do need to have a big bunch of friends; just a few trustworthy ones will make your life full of stars.

Keep a journal.

I find that it is really important to keep a journal and record those memorable moments in your life. I used to have this habit but stopped for some time. When I actually flipped back those journals, I realize how much I have changed and grown up throughout the years. You can look back and know that you are currently progressing with your life really well. You have done a good job surviving those bad days which indirectly become a really useful motivator to me.

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy.

It’s true that school is a place to learn but not only on how to ace the examinations. Focusing too much on the books and the only place you visit in school is only the library is going to make you regret years later. Get out of the classroom and take part in outdoor activities which suits your interest. This is the time for you to identify your strength and who you really are. Have plenty of fun when you are still young.

Overcoming heartbreaks is easy said that done.

If your first heartbreak happened to be during your high school years you will understand. Before that I do not really understand the song lyrics but later I feel that every heartbreak quotes just hit me hard. People keep saying that let time does its job but days before things faded away seem like forever. All those night you are down on your knees: kept replaying those best memories which now brings more sorrow than ever is hurtful. Moving on is something so difficult for me at that moment when I kept holding on hoping for a miracle.

Academic results are somehow important.

You need to have a work-life balance and do not think that academic results are not important. At the end of the day when you need to apply for Ivy League or scholarships then you will start to regret for not doing well in the examinations. Yes, exams are not everything but still you need to put in sufficient effort and give your best. Even the results turned out to be disappointing, it is okay because you tried. Students with better scores usually will get more benefit to pursue their tertiary education. No matter how much you hate studying, just bear with it for a better future.

No one can help you except yourself.

You said you are hungry and I gave you a bowl of rice but you refused to open your mouth to eat. In the end I am sure that you will starve to death. It’s the same concept. If you skip classes or sleep in class even if you got the best teacher you will never get any better. Study yourself if the teachers are not doing their job as this is not a reason for you to give up. People by your side can only guide you but you are the one who can turn dreams into realities.

I am done with high school and somehow I wish to turn back times. I miss high school and I miss those dasys. Get out of the box and shine throughout the high school years and you will be amaze of how much you can do.

 Happy schooling people!!

If your uniform isn't dirty, you haven't been in the game.Ben Bernanke